Ever wonder why I get told I have a doctorate in shitposting?

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY.

Ready for a casually wild ride?

HERE

WE

GO.

(18+ pls don’t get me banned ffs.)

The air of the room was stale with the smell of dust. Fellboi violently kicked out the metal grate blocking his way, removing himself from the dusty ventilation shaft. He coughed, waving a hand in front of his face in a futile attempt at dispersing the motes.

Glancing around anxiously, Fellboi pulled a thick leather sack from the vent. He really hoped nobody had followed him into this abandoned house. After all, there’s no such thing as real good fun when there’s witnesses about.
Assessing that the cost was, indeed, clear, he set about unwrapping the bundle from its leather casing. He giggled mischeviously to himself as the binding fell away, revealing his quarry.

A slender frame.

A bright face.

It was all Fellboi could do to prevent himself from ravishing the mahogany floor lamp right where he stood. He knew he had to restrain himself. The ladies like it when you take it slow.

He set the lamp down gently on a nearby sofa. The preservative plastic crinkled loudly, causing Fellboi to cringe. The lamp lay there stagnant, unresponsive, the poorly drawn-on face barely visible in the moonlight filtering through the boarded-up windows. Fellboi quivered with excitement.

“So, baby, what’re your plans tonight?” He asked seductively, wiggling his eyebrows at the literal post of wood with a bulb on top.

The lamp remained motionless.

“… staying in, huh? Well, I got an idea or two, if you’re game…”

The lamp remained motionless.

“… Ah. Well, you’ll see, hun…”

He moved to sit down on the sofa next to the lamp, gently caressing its base with his hand. He felt himself growing warm, anxious. He hesitated.

“… What? No, no I’m fine. I just… I’m anxious… To start… heheh.”

The lamp remained motionless.

“… Oh! Well I mean… If you really want to…”

He quickly undid his belt, throwing it aside with all the grace of a drunk baboon. He grasped at his waistline with shaky hands, struggling to undo the button. Grunting in frustration, he pulled with all the force he could muster and tore the pants from his body and threw them behind the sofa.

He pressed himself against the long mast of the expertly carved lamp, gasping for breath as his own desire began to take over. He felt a sudden, short pang of guilt, thinking back to how he stole this lamp from a nearby Ikea. Short-lived guilt though, as he removed his member from his boxers.

Fellboi grunted softly as he began rubbing himself against the lamp, pleasure surging through him in waves. His hand found its way into the head of the lamp, clutching the flimsy wires of the lampshade with great force. The sofa cover crinkled a protest as he picked up his speed.

His lips gently grazed across the wooden pole as he thrust yet faster against the lamp. His gasps turned to audible moans as the pleasure built in him.

He was so close. Already?

It happened so fast.

A sudden release hit him, as he climaxed with a shout. Seed splurted onto the cover, and down onto the floor as Fellboi quivered against his companion lamp. He cuddled up lovingly against the lamp as his orgasm subsided, kissing it gently on the shade.

“Oh honey… I’ve bent you again…”

The front door slammed open…

BONUS:

And thanks for actually thinking this is hilarious @underfellfangame, that was like reason #1 I didn’t really want to post it to begin with LOL.